Alabaster Box

The rain pours out the tears I don't have left to cry
As I remember the wicked sinful woman I used to be
The lies I've told
The lives I have scorned
The murder I committed with my evil tongue
All while claiming to be a Christan
The hypocritical way of life that suffocated my spirit
Silently dying while offering my service to the Lord
But there comes a time in every believers walk where they must mature

Silver and Gold have I none, But such as I have I give unto thee
I'm sitting here Jesus weeping at your feet
Thanking you for your love for me.
I open up my alabaster jar and pour out my life
I pour out my will and offer it to thee
I wipe your feet with the glory any word I've ever written has given me


You've anointed the very words that I speak and
The word is the most precious gift given to me
So I pour out every word that's in me
To wash your feet of every lie I told
Every perverted thought that crossed my mind
You became my filthy sin so that I may have abundant life

I know other's won't understand why I have not sold my jar
Why I would rather pour out my being at your feet
That gain any amount of money
I realize they will not comprehend the gratitude in this action
Yet this surrender does not compare to the price you paid for me


This here is my alabaster box poured out at your feet
These words are my tears
Their applause is the glory
I give it all unto you

Love in action...

When God created the earth and everything in it there was only one thing he said was not good: the fact that man was alone. So he in turn created woman - the help meet, the easer - to help man do that which God has called him to do. Looking at the roll of a woman and the roll as a believer period- the biggest ingredient is love. Love is the driving force that pushes everything I believe in. The very nature of God is love therefore if love is the main ingredient, God is the main ingredient. It was God's love for man which caused him to create woman for him. It was God's love for mankind which caused him to send his only son to die for our wicked ways, and he commands us to love one another.

Ok, but what exactly is love? What does it look like? We all have so many different ideas of what love is or should be like that when it is in our face we can't see it. Love is not a feeling. It's an action. Its something that you do. This is love according to the amplified version of 1 Corinthians 13:

4Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. 5It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. 6It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. 7Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. 8Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].

I was having a conversation with a friend about what love was and she said something that sounded so profound. She said love is an act of faith. When you think about it... I guess she's right. Jesus had enough faith to die for a wicked group of sinners like us, because he knew [had the faith] to understand that his act of love would in turn cause his people to love him in return. He believed that his work would not be in vain and the ones he loved would receive him and love him. To love a husband, or love a wife is an act of faith. You have faith that they are going to remain faithful to the commitment made between you, them, and God, before a congregation of witnesses.

Christ is the bridegroom and we, the church. are the bride. If marriage isn't even about us, yet is a ministry all by itself. Whatever marriage I enter into is going to reflect my relationship and my walk. The truth is the church dogged Christ out and he did have to endure some pretty hurtful things, but he loved them in spite of. He still claimed them in spite of. He still laid down his life in spite of. He had the faith to see that they would eventually turn around. He knew these people he was dying for would eventually get this love thing right.

Love is not so much about a feeling. Love is a verb - its an action word. Love causes you to do things, without expectation of receiving something in return. Christ loved and received great persecutions. I'm really trying to learn this love thing. I want to do it the right way. I want to love for real - the way God does...

theraputic release of thought....

I sat and stared at a window. I sat there for 3 hours and stared blankly... I watched a tree blow in the wind... I am NOT crazy. I am not losing it. I will not ALLOW myself to. I've made it this far without a straight jacket and padded walls... or have I?? Inside I scream and cry and pull my hair out, all while sitting in front of you with a pretty smile.

My mind is racing... Thoughts are racing... yet I could not tell you what a single one was. This wrestle with my mind is sad to watch. Yet I watch, waiting to see the breaking point. Waiting for the straw that breaks the camels back -- the string keeping the insanity locked in a black box to break. Stop thinking... Stop thinking... stop... thinking...

Thinking... the mind is a powerful thing. The mind can play tricks on you. Convince you things didn't happen that did, or vice verse. Erase memories completely... or at least convince you they are gone. Like the pink elephant dancing in the living room. Here I am...

Here

Away from there...

Away from myself...

disturbia...



are you sure you want to see behind the mask???

Post Traumatic Stress

This is an excerpt from the book I'm currently piecing together - my first book ever...


I'm fighting myself to remember
A pain that hurts so deep
My mind doest want to go there
I fight it even in my sleep
A battle between my will and my mind
To take a step back into that time
How is a huge chunk of my childhood missing
Feeling the effects of the butterfly
My body shakes as I try to fly
Fly through the bank of my memory
I know there is more to this mystery
I don't want to go back to that place and time
But so much is riding on what's locked inside
Its been buried so deep
Its been locked away
But its something inside me that cannot stay
There's a hurt
A release that I desperately need
And I know I didn't go through it just for me
Its all just a part of my testimony
When I remember and release it
How many will be set free?

Some people experience things in life that scar them so deeply the only thing they can do to remain sane is convince themselves to forget. Talk themselves out of things make things disappear. Ever wonder what really goes on in the head of someone who hides behind the mask of a smile? This life I've lived is a distant memory. There's bits and pieces of a past that belongs to me with huge gaps in between. The rest is vague. The lack of connection between the mind and emotion is very strange. It produces a type of nonchalant attitude people long for, yet if they knew the cost such a demeanor requires, I'd doubt they would ask for what I've got.

What they should ask for, is what has sustained me. The thing that has kept me going all these years. The force that has been with me keeping me out of an institution. I've contemplated suicide, I don't think I've ever actually attempted it though. I thought about cutting - but something always held me back. I didn't end up a lesbian, a prostitute, or a drug addicted run away. God has kept me in the midst of all this mess, and I won't claim what psychologists call Post Traumatic Stress because I believe in Jesus Christ and his Holy Spirit which brings all things back to remembrance. Therefore, I will remember what has happened to me - and you'll get to hear about it, in book number 2.

Date with Destiny...

Life has its way of happening, regardless of what you or anyone else has to say about it. I found myself trying to run from certain aspects of my life; I can mainly attribute it to fear which stems from a lack of knowledge of self. How is it that I spent the last few years of my life trying to deny the very thing I've been designed to do? I tried to walk away from the very thing that tugs at my soul with hopes of living a satisfied life - stupidity at its best. Yet so many people do it. So many people will chase after what's safe. Stepping into uncertainty would make anyone nervous, hell I ran from it myself.

Yet, here I stand at a crossroad. A serious decision must be made which will determine the rest of my life. I could play it safe, or I could dare to dream again. I could find a 9-5 job I could tolerate and have a mediocre existence that most can stomach, torturing the inner me which shutters at the thought of being subjected to such an existence...

OR

We have the option my heart and soul desperately reach out towards. The choice to take a leap of faith, trusting in what I can not see. There is so much locked up inside me that I have yet to tap into.

I choose the latter. I have always felt within me, there's more to me than working a "regular" job. I'm too irregular to fit into such a lifestyle. That being said, now that I have tired my self out, and run out of excuses, I'm ready for my date. I'm ready for my date with my destiny. I know Destiny's been waiting on me, I'll hide from her no more.

This is one date I refuse to miss. I couldn't stand it up if I tried - I've already tried it and well here I am taking another step towards the inevitable. Destiny awaits...

And The Walls Come Crashing Down...

Love.

It happens to be the one thing we are supposed to posses, if we have nothing else. We were created in the image and likeness of God, and God's very nature is love. So we are to be love. Jesus himself said the first commandment is to love the Lord, God, with all our heart all our mind and all our soul AND to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. Here in lies the dilemma most of us have - we do not love ourselves.

Many times I sit back and I think about this whole loving idea of loving yourself, and I wonder why its so easy for some and harder for others. Where did it all go wrong? What happened in my childhood that got me all twisted in my perception of what love is supposed to be? Why is it that even with the perfect example of what love is, why does it not take root in my mind that it is also for me?

Maybe its because in my short 23 years of life (well in a few more days it will be anyway) I have managed to build up walls and detach myself from feeling certain things. Many around me do not understand and they say, "wow you are so chill, I wish I could be more like you." Funny how the grass always seems to be greener on the other side. If they really understood that this nonchalantness (is that even a word?) that I possess is only from years of pain. When you expect people to love you the way you WANT them to love you and you experience broken promise after broken promise, piled on top of rape and molestation, there is a sort of emotional numbness that takes over - at least that's how it was for me.

At a certain point I was so through with trying to deal with this thing, I just pushed it to the back of my mind. There were more important things to concern myself with, I had no time for irrelevant things like how I felt. All the while searching for love. It is a part of my genetic make-up. I am a child of God who IS love and I'm supposed to look just like him, so when the world was busy stripping me and beating me to the point where I had lost my identity, the walls went up and the mask went on.

People are so funny. We can smile and go through the motions of life and no one would ever know anything was wrong. All the while be dying on the inside, slowly. Each day another piece whithers away. The crazy thing is even Christians go through this. Why? A lack of complete submission to God. To serve and obey God is a choice. This is why we were created with free will. Many will give their body to God, and even their mind, but when it comes to the heart, we don't want to give that to God. To give him our heart means we have to let him deal with those things that we have blocked off and guarded away in the deep chest of emotional, whatever.

Last night I had to make a choice. I could continue down the path I was going expecting things to change (insanity) OR I could choose to give God my whole heart, not just a piece of it, but the entire thing. I wrestled with it for a moment, but I had to be real with myself. How can you truly love someone but you won't give them your heart. When you are in a relationship bound for marriage, you expect that person to give you their heart and you are supposed to trust them with your heart. We are supposed to be married to God. Would you really marry someone who you couldn't trust with your heart? Can you really say you love someone if you won't ever allow them to get behind those walls?

Last night I asked God to tear down my walls. I will never be able to fulfill the commandments if I'm never able to love. I plan on being married someday, and a marriage is supposed to be a reflection on earth of the spiritual relationship you have with God. How can I love a husband if I can't love the God who created him to begin with? What happens in the natural is simply a manifestation of whats going on in the spiritual realm, so if my spiritual relationship with God is not right, guess what is going to happen to my marriage when it comes? Exactly! To avoid all this, but more importantly to be able to regain my identity and reconcile the most important relationship I will ever have ( the one between myself and the Father) I asked God to bulldoze the walls and give me a new heart so that I can love again.

Love.

Fly or Die...

There comes a point in ever [wo]man's life where they have to make a serious decision - fly or die. Spread your winds and soar on the actualization of the dreams you once imagined, OR die slowly every day wondering what would have happened if only you took that chance so many years ago. I cannot and will not be one of the many who have cast their dreams to the weigh side conforming to the system which tells you, "Go to school. Get a degree. Live a 9-5 life. Die wondering- what if." I can't do that. I've wondered what if long enough. Fly on the one chance you have to make your dreams your reality OR die inside, feeling the constrains of a mediocre life with an average job that pays the bills yet thetas all it basically does. Thus placing your life on this never ending cycle of work and bills - vanity.What good does it profit a [wo]man to gain the whole world (all the prestige of degrees and titles) and lose his/her soul (because the flickering flame of creativity and hope has been quenched by a mundane life in the worlds system)?Be in this world, yet do not conform to the ways of this world. The way which tell you to go into large amounts of debt, only to work for someone else; rather than strategically educate yourself in such a way to prepare you to become an entrepreneur. The one that tells you your dreams can wait because duty calls. Your dreams ARE your duty. You owe it to yourself to pursue that thing - whatever yours may be - until the end.

It is fear of failure that hinders many from ever becoming acquainted with success. I'm writing my good friend fear a goodbye letter. We must now go our separate ways; its been a long time coming, but change has come. Fly or Die...

**side note - I am not anti-higher education (I plan on getting a M.A./Ph.D.) I am simply stating that many times people live their life in pursuit of other individuals dreams and put themselves on the back burner for whatever the case may be. I've seen it, heard it, almost lived it. Do all things with prayer and supplication before the Lord, but be true to yourself. God requires honesty of us. Get honest.

The Idea of Love

Love.

The word gets tossed around so frequently, I've come to realize many people don't even really know what it means. The word has lost its value. Many people can say it to me and it holds no weight. I don't want that "love" that constantly changes. I don't want that "love" that's so quick to walk away. As I take a step back and I evaluate the world in which we live, this lack of ability to truly comprehend true love does not surprise me at all.

Love is no longer something that is taken seriously. Love used to be something worth fighting for, better yet, worth dying for. Now its just another word to say to satisfy fleshly urges. Its a means to an end - you see what you want, and say what you think needs to be said to get it. Why is this so?

How can people take love seriously, when they don't take God seriously. The very nature of God is love, yet God gets treated like any average Joe off the street corner. People have a hard time receiving God, therefore I couldn't imagine the state in which I see "love" being any other way. People happen to be in love with the idea of being in love, rather than actually being in love. We are too scared to know God, so we run from love - we have commitment issues.

Love simply is. It's unconditional. It's forgiving. It's all you need.
God simply is. He's unconditional. He's forgiving. He's all you need.

God is Love.

So while, in theory, we know how to dress it up, love is an action word. Love causes you to DO things. For God so loved the world that He GAVE his only begotten son. Christ loved us so much HE DIED and ROSE for us with all power in his hand, and GAVE us that same resurrection power. God said IF you Love Him THEN you'll keep his commandments. That statement suggests that the love you have causes you to act upon it.

The state of love as we see it is merely a reflection of mans relationship with God - and it's quite sad.

Love does not seek to satisfy self
So I should be willing to lay down my insecurities
Willing to confess what you already know
Ready to end the show
Willing to be naked in the rawness of truth
Willing to share all of me with all of you
(excerpt from my poem "in love with love)

Until we come to know God for who He is, and truly fall in love with Him, we'll never know the true nature of love. We'll just have a bunch of artificial flavoring. I don't know about you, but I prefer that organic, 100% natural stuff - maybe that's just me...

He Reigns Forever and Ever

Ok, now I'm prepared for the backlash that may come from this posting BUT I just can't take it anymore. Call me cold, but I just can't comprehend this Michael Jackson craze. I mean yes he was a musical genius; yes he did alot for the community on a global scale; yes he changed the game time and time again; HOWEVER, everybody dies - tomorrow is not promised to anyone. I understand how those who actually knew him personally have something to mourn about, but everyone else?!?!? People my age or younger, who have never come anywhere near MJ a day in their lives are falling out crying like they lost a close friend or a relative. This is just ridiculous. You did not know him personally and he didn't know you - they all remind me of professional wailers you read about in the bible who would fall out and cry (think about the story of the girl Jesus raised from the dead). I just don't get how people could be so thrown for a loop emotionally by this thing.

GET A HOLD OF YOURSELVES!!

Seriously, we can fall out and faint for this man, who granted has done many good things, but can't give God the praise that is due to him? Jesus died AND GOT BACK UP AGAIN, yet its offensive to speak his name in public. In some parts of the world you can be killed for mentioning Christ. Don't get me wrong, I loved MJ too; however, this IDOL WORSHIP, I can't condone it and it vexes me. You go to churches and people have to pump and prime the "believers" to give the Lord praise, yet all Michael has to do is walk into a room and people are on the floor. I remember some concert I was watching on tv where all he did was a neck roll and the whole front row screamed and fell out - FOR WHAT? Ambulances had to be called in, just a mess. I just find the whole thing peculiar.

Don't get me wrong now MJ was cool, but there is a King - the King of kings - who should be getting this much attention, if not more. Why don't we get it yet? This idolatry has to stop! We ALL need to REPENT and turn from our wicked ways of putting idols up and worshiping them rather than the one who gave EVERYTHING for us. Some of you may be saying, "I don't have an idol; I'm not an idolater." Let me give you the Webster's definition of an idol : n 1 a image of a Deity, used as an object of worship. 2 a person or thing adored or revered. 3 a phantom, a false idea. Anything in your life that gets more attention than God you have placed more on a level higher than the Lord and this cannot be as he said to worship him and him ALONE.

Man, I just pray that we can all get it right. Thank God for his grace given to us through the true King who shall reign long after the whole MJ frenzy dies down.

Why don't you get that excited for someone who died for your sins, rather than someone who gave you entertainment?!

Journey

This life is a journey
A journey back to who I am
It seems as though I knew when I was a child
But somewhere along the way I lost myself
And from about age 9 until now
I've been trying to see if I could meet myself
Reacquaint myself with me
And when I find myself I can answer
All my questions about me
But I was walking down all the wrong paths
Searching for myself
When I really never went anywhere
This game of hide and seek seemed endless
But I know where I am now
And I'm on a journey to meet myself
You see the me I've been searching for went and stood by her big brother Jesus
And they've been calling me
Trying to get my attention
Attempting to bring me back
So the closer I get to Jesus
The close I get to myself
I'm on a life long journey
To myself...

In need of serious guidance...

So I'm having a conversation with a friend of mine and she says "Estee you have many talents" and that really hit my spirit. It made me think of the parable of the Master who distributed different talents to his different servants. *Luke 19v11-26* Now God wouldn't give me more than I could be responsible for, but he's chosen to give me these talents. I'm supposed to utilize them and have Him get His return (i.e. all the honor and the glory and the praise). If that's what I know is supposed to happen then why do I keep these talents to myself?
At this point I don't even know what the heck to do with them all. I feel a bit lost. Kinda like I'm just here at this point. The perfect song to describe how I feel at this stage in my process would be by India.Aire "River Rise" from her Testimony Vol 2 album -if you don't have it you should get it. I definitely need the Spirit to guide my way because I am pretty much at my wits end.

River rise and carry me back home
I cannot remember the way
River rise and carry me back home
I surrender today
I bow down and I humble myself
I can't do this
Lord I need your help
I surrender
Help me to remember
Only you can show me the way

Growth

Life is interesting. God can be funny sometimes. Its always the things that you don't want to do, for whatever reason, that you need to do. Most times its not even about you - like 99.9% of the time its not about you. Yet we try and have our own selfish reasons for not doing things. I've realized just how selfish I am in God's eyes. I have gifts and knowledge that he has given to me, yet I sit on them - I don't let people know they exist. Why?- my fear or men in their faces. My personal issues I have with myself. Within all of that I may be blocking someone else's breakthrough because I'm so caught up on me and how I feel -- SELFISH! How can I be called to intercession and standing in the gap yet be so caught up in myself? Funny how the enemy gets you that way. But I must say, I'm proud of myself. I can appreciate the growth that is happening in me, even though my flesh is still resisting. These past 2 weeks have shown me a whole lot. I had an issue with a sister of mine which was quite similar to one I had with my old roommates. The seed of division and discord had been planted and I felt it beginning to grow. This time, however, I recognized it for what it was and I confronted the situation before it grew into something it didn't need to be. The previous issue was the preparation and this was the test. Immediately after that passed I had to do something I normally would not be caught doing - speaking in front of the church as the MC of the afternoon service!
That Friday I went to Friday Night Live in Carson at City of Truth Ministries to support my brother as he ministered through dance. I wasn't expecting to do anything but enjoy the service - God had another plan. When I walked in I was asked to do a poem, I did 2. I figured that would be enough and returned to my seat. God said different and I was asked to return to the mic once again. I was a little upset because I knew what that meant - the poems I didn't want to read were the very ones I had to read. Most of my poetry is a personal reflection of me. Those poems I didn't want anyone to read. God had me read it to those people. Apparently they were feeling the same why as me and what I had to say was exactly what they needed. ----BURN (this goes back to the things we go through not even being about us)
The following Sunday the Lord wanted to push me yet again so much to my suprise when I get out of my car - I'm asked to help lead morning devotion. CRAZY!! Now singing is something that I love to do - when I'm ALONE or if I'm singing with a larger group where my voice can blend in and be drowned out by others. As if the singing wasn't enough, later that night I go to a session with the Fam and you can only imagine what happens next. Yes- I got off. I couldn't really believe it was happening. I AM NOT A KRUMPER!!! Well, I guess I can't really say that anymore - but, I really tried to sit in the corner and avoid dancing - I didn't even lab up! That just goes to show me what God is doing with me. I can see that transformation taking place this year that I knew was soon to come. Its an interesting process, but I am supposed to be a new creature in Christ right? My old lifestyle and old characteristic and ways are supposed to pass away - therefore I embrace the change. Have your way Lord.

Just In Case You're Reading (u know who u are)...

It's interesting that you would call me a bully
It shows me that I am simply once again misunderstood
The way you perceive the things that you see in me
May be far from my original intent
Yet intentions get you nowhere in life if they are not met
So where do we go from here
How can I make myself more clear
I fear this here is a result of everything left unsaid
So I am left to believe
The thing you perceive to be me
Is not really me
But the me you would like me to be
Yet I can't be she
For she is a female unlike me

Or maybe its my perception that is off
and the intentions I have are somewhere lost
Lost in the space between action and thought
And the reality is the only one misunderstanding me
Is me
Because so far it has been about the way I see
What you see
But like they say in philosophy
We each have our own reality
So which one is the actuality?
Or shall we just agree to disagree?

Checkin In

Its been a while since I've posted anything here. Mostly because I haven't been on the internet, but that's because I have been doing what I do best - internalizing my stress. Just when I think I'm beginning to have a grasp at who I am - NOPE! I'm still not really sure... I don't know what I feel... Its pretty funny how God works, though. One Sunday at church He told me to write it all out - at the time I had no motivation to write. I tried to write and it never really came out the way I had hoped it would, but lately its as if I'm writing my insides on paper. Things I didn't even know were in me keep flowing from my pen to my little notebook. The words keep coming. Tears keep falling, most times I don't even know what for. But they flow. In the midst of it all I still have my joy - even when I want to be mad there is still a smile on my face. Its interesting to me.

This place I'm in, its strange...

Its different...

Its uncomfortable...

Yet I can't help but believe something good is going to come from all of this. God keeps telling me to keep pushing. I never listened to any Avril Lavigne song the way I heard "Keep Holdin On." That song did something for my spirit. So I guess I have to fight on - No matter what I see, hear, think, or feel.

I'll share some of me with the next few postings - some of the works may be unfinished idk what I'm going to post just yet. We'll see...

New Year Thoughts

2008
The year of new beginning
The only thing that seemed to begin
was a new level of self doubt and frustration
new hurts
unexpected pains
and at the end of the year there was a new change
a push
a shift
to take me out of what seemed so comfortable
a new way of thinking
a new way of living
like a caterpillar ready to go to the cocoon
The transition
living life knowing
I'm meant to turn into something beautiful
Spending my days
Waiting for the change
A safe location needs to be found to allow the transformation to take place
So toward the end of the year of new beginnings
I've been lead to a new place
A new way of seeing
A new level of worship
A new place to call home
Now I enter 2009
The year of Divine completeness in the Lord
The year to produce fruits
The year to begin building the cocoon
the time has come for a transformation
My life has been a build up
In anticipation of becoming a butterfly
Time to begin the process
For without the process beginning
I'll never know the true vision of the beauty God intended me to be
What will I look like?
What intricate design will be on my wings?
When the process is finished
We will all see...

Peace... Be Still

So I have a friend who I love who wrote a song called Peace Be Still. While I've never done a praise dance before I had to do one over the weekend at the Slaughter House / Tribe of Judah retreat. Part of the performance included some poetry inspired by the song. It was a combination of 3 poems one written by myself one written by BJ and one by Audry. We each wrote our poems separately as we listened to the song and then somehow they just flowed together for the sake of the performance - I call that the Holy Spirit lol. When it came time to dance - I was pretty nervous because I've never done a praise dance before and we didn't really have time to practice our peice but I think those are the ones that come out the best. When they are just Spirit lead. I didn't think I would be able to dance like that infront of people who are dancers and yet once the song came on my body just started moving. It was pretty cool. Not as scary as I thought it would be. Anyway - here is on 3rd of the poem that we wrote for the performance.


I know that I can do all things through Christ
The Lord never gives me more than I can bear
But this pain
This storm
Is slowly eating me up inside
The winds are blowing
Its growing cold
I know trials come to build faith
And this is supposed to cause me to grow
But how can you grow if you're drowning?
(this is where the poem ends for performance)
A seed drenched in water dies
Lord this rain is killing me
I have no words left
Peace
Be still
The storms in my life have me so cold
Im numb
While all things are supposed to work together
For my good
I can't see through this rain
All I hear is thunder
Nothing makes sense
Peace
Be still