Smile

Smile.

Is it sincere?
Are the words you speak
From the heart?

Pause.

What is the condition of
Your heart?

Think.

Has anything ever been done
by you
Without ulterior motives?

Question.

If the devil is the father of all lies,
And nothing but lies flow from your mouth,
Then what does that make you?

Recap.

All that you sew
You shall reap
So keep on sewing that seed.
My heart aches for you
while I bleed.

Mercy.

Does not mean that you
Can do whatever you feel
Say sorry Lord
And all is forgiven.

Peace.

Something that won't be
Taken from me.

We want more...

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside

Somewhere in this inside
We were meant to live
We were meant to live

We were meant to live

But we're dying

Dying because we have succumb
To this cancerous disease called envy
The glitter
The gold
The fame
The fortune

Fancy cars
Shining stars
Houses on hill
Spinning rims
Botox
Implants
How about pills?

We want more than this worlds got to offer
We want more than this worlds got to offer

We were meant to live for so much more
But we've lost ourselves
In quests for the American dream
Now we're plotting deceitful schemes

What about joy
Peace of mind
Happy moments in time
Laughter and smiles
Rainbows after rainy days

Instead your dying
Because your focus in skewed

Go back to the beginning
Find your place
Find your life
Be fruitful.
Multiply.
Have dominion.
Rule the land.
Live.
Live.

Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside

Inside His grace and mercy
Inside His everlasting love

Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside

We want more than this worlds got to offer
We want more than this worlds got to offer
We want more than the pain
More than the heartbreak
More than the misery
More than the death that the world guarantees

We were meant to live
We were meant to live

We want more than this worlds got to offer...

**side note some of this was written with lyrics from the song "we were meant to live" by switchfoot**

Rain on me Lord

This video made me think. After I watched it there was a sense of comfort that came. I have been through alot in my life time - some of which I have been extremely upset about. Wondered why I had to be the one to endure such things. Rape, molestation, abandonment, betrayal - all from those who were supposed to love me and look out for me. It just seemed so unfair. Yet after watching this video and hearing Bishop Ulmer's sermon today, I feel better. I feel at peace. All the different church phrases that you hear and say to make yourself feel somewhat better actually become that much more believeable. Life has just been breathed into those words. Pretty awesome stuff. Between Wed and Sun God has been showing me alot. His love is something I can't run from, deny, but only embrace. Its so amazing.

*************************************************************************************
you rain over me
while I am unaware
you sing all around
yet I never hear a sound

Lord I'm amazed by you
Lord I'm amazed by you
How You love me

How wide
How deep
How great
is your love for me?

(there is a slight chance that i got those words wrong but hey thats what I hear in my head right now lol)

late afternoon wondering thoughts...

Pain.
This is something I know.
Know it so well that its comfortable.

Healing.
Something I longed for.
Yet now that its in my face, I'm unsure.

Joy.
Lasts longer than happiness ever can.
Something the enemy comes to steal.

Pain.
The one thing I'm used to.
My safe place.

Healing.
Now its here and I'm shying away from it.
To step out of 13 years of one thing into this new thing is scary.

Fear.
Not of God.
Get over yourself, Estee.

Pain.
Healing.
Fear.
New.

New.

New.

New.

And the next day...

Yesterday I was upset. I was frustrated. I was irritated. I caught myself giving in to the games the enemy tries to play with me. My family means the world to me. God wants to mean more to me than my family does. So this is where the testing of my faith through trials (in regards to my family) come into play. My brother who I love with my everything is in jail. He goes to trial next month and is facing life. I was seriously bothered by that information yesterday. Though my flesh was crying and upset and just irritated because this is all too much right now. Yet, the Lord has already spoken to me concerning this matter. And I was letting my flesh and what I felt at the time override what the Lord has already said in regards to this situation.

Today when I wake up, a little tune pops into my head and I begin to sing it to myself.

Its victory in Jesus
My savior forever
He sought me
And he bought me
With his redeeming blood
He loved me ever
I knew him
And all my love is due him
He plunged me
Into Victory
beneath his cleansing blood

Then the Lord told me to read Ephesians 6. Well alright then. That makes perfect sense. The devil is trying to catch me of guard. Now what the Lord was saying through Jason on Thursday makes sense. No one can ever tell me that my God doesn't have a sense of humor because his words to me were "She's a brick house! She's mighty might..." Yea, I know right. So now its time for me to stop playing around. This is serious business.

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.
Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil
For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high [places].
Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;
And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;
Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.
And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:
Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;
Eph 6:10-18

I'm sorry Lord for not being on my A game. Letting go is pretty hard, but this is what I signed up for. Jesus definitely said to count the cost before we just up and follow him in Luke 14:27-33.
Yes Lord. I think I finally get it. If I don't the bible does say to pray for wisdom, so please show me where I am flawed in my thinking. I gotta get my armor on. This is a serious matter...

cries of frustration

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

scream

inhale

exhale

scream

- release-

WHY IS IT NEVER OVER.....

NEVER

WHY

would i be wrong for cussing out the devil??

WHAT THE ^$#@*I(#^#^@&!!!

scream

*sigh*

I don't know anymore....

I promise you I woke up and heard in my head - "im not gone yet... it aint over"

Then my mother calls me crying...

GOD SOMETHING NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!

idk man...

idk

mid day thoughts....

Hi.
My name is Estee.
I'm emotionally numb .
I don't trust anyone.
Sometimes I feel like screaming,
but nothing ever comes out.
All I want is to be ok.
Hi.
My name is Estee.
My innocence was taken from me.
Since then I've always felt a bit strange.
The ones closest to me
cut the deepest wounds I have.
And they don't let them heal,
They keep cutting...
But the blood doesn't show
Because I bleed internally.
Hi.
My name is Estee.
All I feel is pain.
Hi.
My name is Estee.
Inside my tears fall like rain.
Hi.
My name is Estee.
I just want to
Be
Ok.

I AM TIRED

This is enough. I can no longer take it. I am tired of being blamed for things that have nothing to do with me. YOU DON'T LIKE YOURSELF!! This has nothing to do with me and I'm tired of being the scape goat. You will never be able to accept love from anyone until you learn to love yourself. You can never begin to love yourself until you realize you don't love your self and identify why you don't love yourself. I wish people would see that. Me not doing what you think in your mind I should do for you (even though we all know I'm not capable of) means I don't love you now? OK - that's absurd! Just because people don't express love for you the way you want them to love you doesn't mean they don't love you. That's the same way people develop these notions that God hates them because He doesn't do what you want Him to do on your time - So now God (who IS love) doesn't love you. NONSENSE!!

I'm just tired. I can only help you so much... IF you don't want to help yourself there is nothing anyone can do for you. You want to remain stagnant... that's fine. HOWEVER DO NOT blame me or get upset with me because you are unhappy with your situation! You can take a cow to the water but you can't force it to drink. I'm tired... I have a headache... This IS too much.


Why do I always have to be the bigger person?
Why do I always have to be the one who has it together?
Why do I always have to be THE ONE?
MAN THIS IS HARD!!!
THIS IS UNFAIR!!!

But God doesn't work in what man deems to be fair...

This is the cost...

This
is
the
cost

* i know that there's more that You require of me...*

Long suffering is no joke...
Thank you Lord for being so patient with me...
Please give me patience to endure the things that you would have me to.

MAN...

*sigh*

And it HURTS like brand new shoes...

I love him
If only I could have known
THEN
What I know
NOW
I
Love him
And no matter how much
How deep it goes
I must
Let
Go
WHY GOD!?
I CAN'T
"You can't save them all"
"You must let him go"

Last night God gave me a spiritual abortion.
A woman can only carry so much in her womb
Before
It kills her.
I screamed.
I cried.
I screamed some more.
My belly ached.

"Let him go."

But he needs me...

"Let him go"

But...

"Let him go."

So I wake up
And he's still
on my mind

So I try
and
ease my mind

Numbness.

nope.

Still feel that knot
In my belly

Can I write
a letter?
One that says
Goodbye

"You must
Let him go."

What's My Next Move??

ART
–noun

1.	the quality, production, expression, or realm, according to aesthetic principles, of what is beautiful, appealing, or of more than ordinary significance

Every time I close my eyes
The backs of my eyelids are filled
And for my veiwing pleasure
Colors
Shapes
Movements
Images
Being produced by my psyche
Sometimes too fast for me to even get out through my hands
It is my passion
It is my desire
Performing Arts
Visual Arts
Expression
Without words

BUT

I'm in no position to pursue art right now
IF the desires of our hearts
Are placed there by God
Then
WHY
does it seem so hard to get my life together?
I can see myself in many different places
Singing
Dancing
Acting
Producing
Creating...

Just
Creating...

That's the only thing I've ever been sure of...
My love for Visual and Performing Arts
I'm going back to school for a 2nd BFA in Animation and Visual Effects
But I almost feel like that's not quite correct
Back to UCLA
MFA in World Arts and Cultures??
Chapman University
MFA in Film Production
Maybe I'll become a gypsy
Travel the world
Dance my problems away

Sing all the things my spirit wants to yell out

Create...

Create....

Post Re-Up reflections

So I have spent the last couple of days teetering the fence of stress and worry. I know in my mind that I should not spend my time worrying because my God will take care of me just like he takes care of the birds who worry not about where food will come from, etc. My financial situation has always been a rocky road to travel. Sometimes its great, but for the most part there are difficult times. It's during times like these when I find myself asking "why must I go through"

Friday night's Re-Up was something that I needed to hear. Donahue spoke of what the bible has to say about ambition. It was pretty informative and got me thinking. In Gen 11:9 in order to protect them from themselves, the Lord confused the languages and the people no longer spoke one single language. This story was interesting because it made me wonder - what is God protecting me from in my life? I wonder...

Thoughts Race

Yet another sleepless night.
I ponder the hiccups of my life.
Where am I going?
What is the reason I am in this place?
I long for a physical touch
Yet I'm left with nothing
Just my bed full of pillows
A charcoal version of myself
Staring back at me
I've reached my wits end
Yet in all the chaos that is my thoughts
I find inspiration to create something beautiful
Tonights sleepless masterpeice...

LOVE is the answer

Lord you are so amazing! I wish there were words that I could say that could express how I feel about the Lord. This evening has been pretty interesting. Left for bible study at 6 and didn't get home till 2:30am. Why did I get home so late?- because God loves his lost sheep too much to leave him lost. Man all that can be said is hallelujah! I'm tired - wait and see what God does- just wait... I'm excited!!!

Love is the most amazing thing known to man. God IS love. Love is powerful. God is all powerful. Love is the answer. Love will find a way.

Selah

My roommate had a dream that someone got shot on my birthday. Interesting...
My birthday at home sucked...
Something that day died.
I did.
My ability to keep pretending nothing is wrong
died
My ability to sit back and remain quiet
died
The fear of what will happen when I say what I have to say
died

Do I know what is about to happen... of course not. If I knew what came next I wouldn't have to trust that God has my life under control.

As crazy and messed up and frustrating and ridiculous as things get - its all a part of the plan. I have to believe it. It has to be true. It has to be.

Selah

This is the beginning of the rest of my life. It began Sept 28, 2008 when I turned 22 and saw the direction in which my family and my life was going and decided something had to be done. Change is gonna come. Change IS going to come.

This is a Spiritual War...

I have come to the conclusion that this is not about me. THIS [as in most of the mess I am in] is a result of the mess my family has brought upon themselves and I, my fathers first born child, am caught in the crossfire. We, the children, are reaping the fruits of their labor. My brother, intercepted something that was meant for my mother. My immediate family and I are suffering because of the unwise decisions my father continues to make.

I can continue to be sad, depressed, upset, frustrated, and complain. However, complaining brings forth no change. Complaining will not uproot the devil from my house. It will only make me sick, and keep that cycle of depression and frustration spinning.

Therefore, it is time that I stop being a lil punk and put on the full armor of Christ. This is not a battle I can win in my own strength, BUT I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST JESUS WHO IS MY STRENGTH.

I think I'm beginning to understand what my dreams meant. I think I know what I have to do now. I can't remain quiet and fearful any longer. GOD HAS NOT GIVEN ME A SPIRIT OF FEAR BUT OF POWER, LOVE, AND A SOUND MIND.

I will say this - She will regret the day she ever decided to mess with my family. I have become angry, but not in the sense that you would think...

NOW IS THE TIME FOR THOSE WHO ARE SERIOUS ABOUT THE LORD TO STEP UP TO THE FRONT LINES - IF YOU'RE NOT READY TO BLEED, WHY ARE YOU HERE?

Cri du Coeur

Purify my soul
Because all that glitters ain't gold
Purify my mind
Remind me its all in due time
Keep me in your warmth
I wanna feel your presence when I'm alone
In the dark
Purify...

PHOTOSHOP ADVENTURES

I want a career in the digital art realm... in order for that to happen I need to know how to use digital media tools.... let the self teaching begin!

and so it begins...

I'm back! It's been a while since I've actually had a blog. I've "blogged" on my myspace and "posted notes" on my facebook, but this - this is an actual blog. Haven't done this since high school when I had a deadjournal account. I wonder why people blog anyway. I guess people get some sort of satisfaction in knowing that there is someone out there who actually cares about their opinon - well cares enough to read it anyway. There are so many "invisible" people in this world, maybe blogging makes the invisible people that much more visible. I have read some pretty funny posts on the internet about many different things. This world is full of so many different views and opinions and its just interesting to see different perspectives. The problem with alot of people is they are so close-minded and feel that their way of thinking is the only way of thinking, but that is a discussion for another blog on another day. Right now its time to explore this blogspot some more, add my art (the reason I created this bad boy in the first place), and hit the sack - operation: "slim down / tone up" begins when the sun comes up and I need to be rested. Shalom Chaveriem. Lehitraot.