Alabaster Box

The rain pours out the tears I don't have left to cry
As I remember the wicked sinful woman I used to be
The lies I've told
The lives I have scorned
The murder I committed with my evil tongue
All while claiming to be a Christan
The hypocritical way of life that suffocated my spirit
Silently dying while offering my service to the Lord
But there comes a time in every believers walk where they must mature

Silver and Gold have I none, But such as I have I give unto thee
I'm sitting here Jesus weeping at your feet
Thanking you for your love for me.
I open up my alabaster jar and pour out my life
I pour out my will and offer it to thee
I wipe your feet with the glory any word I've ever written has given me

You've anointed the very words that I speak and
The word is the most precious gift given to me
So I pour out every word that's in me
To wash your feet of every lie I told
Every perverted thought that crossed my mind
You became my filthy sin so that I may have abundant life

I know other's won't understand why I have not sold my jar
Why I would rather pour out my being at your feet
That gain any amount of money
I realize they will not comprehend the gratitude in this action
Yet this surrender does not compare to the price you paid for me

This here is my alabaster box poured out at your feet
These words are my tears
Their applause is the glory
I give it all unto you


Love in action...

When God created the earth and everything in it there was only one thing he said was not good: the fact that man was alone. So he in turn created woman - the help meet, the easer - to help man do that which God has called him to do. Looking at the roll of a woman and the roll as a believer period- the biggest ingredient is love. Love is the driving force that pushes everything I believe in. The very nature of God is love therefore if love is the main ingredient, God is the main ingredient. It was God's love for man which caused him to create woman for him. It was God's love for mankind which caused him to send his only son to die for our wicked ways, and he commands us to love one another.

Ok, but what exactly is love? What does it look like? We all have so many different ideas of what love is or should be like that when it is in our face we can't see it. Love is not a feeling. It's an action. Its something that you do. This is love according to the amplified version of 1 Corinthians 13:

4Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. 5It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. 6It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. 7Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. 8Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].

I was having a conversation with a friend about what love was and she said something that sounded so profound. She said love is an act of faith. When you think about it... I guess she's right. Jesus had enough faith to die for a wicked group of sinners like us, because he knew [had the faith] to understand that his act of love would in turn cause his people to love him in return. He believed that his work would not be in vain and the ones he loved would receive him and love him. To love a husband, or love a wife is an act of faith. You have faith that they are going to remain faithful to the commitment made between you, them, and God, before a congregation of witnesses.

Christ is the bridegroom and we, the church. are the bride. If marriage isn't even about us, yet is a ministry all by itself. Whatever marriage I enter into is going to reflect my relationship and my walk. The truth is the church dogged Christ out and he did have to endure some pretty hurtful things, but he loved them in spite of. He still claimed them in spite of. He still laid down his life in spite of. He had the faith to see that they would eventually turn around. He knew these people he was dying for would eventually get this love thing right.

Love is not so much about a feeling. Love is a verb - its an action word. Love causes you to do things, without expectation of receiving something in return. Christ loved and received great persecutions. I'm really trying to learn this love thing. I want to do it the right way. I want to love for real - the way God does...


theraputic release of thought....

I sat and stared at a window. I sat there for 3 hours and stared blankly... I watched a tree blow in the wind... I am NOT crazy. I am not losing it. I will not ALLOW myself to. I've made it this far without a straight jacket and padded walls... or have I?? Inside I scream and cry and pull my hair out, all while sitting in front of you with a pretty smile.

My mind is racing... Thoughts are racing... yet I could not tell you what a single one was. This wrestle with my mind is sad to watch. Yet I watch, waiting to see the breaking point. Waiting for the straw that breaks the camels back -- the string keeping the insanity locked in a black box to break. Stop thinking... Stop thinking... stop... thinking...

Thinking... the mind is a powerful thing. The mind can play tricks on you. Convince you things didn't happen that did, or vice verse. Erase memories completely... or at least convince you they are gone. Like the pink elephant dancing in the living room. Here I am...


Away from there...

Away from myself...


are you sure you want to see behind the mask???


Post Traumatic Stress

This is an excerpt from the book I'm currently piecing together - my first book ever...

I'm fighting myself to remember
A pain that hurts so deep
My mind doest want to go there
I fight it even in my sleep
A battle between my will and my mind
To take a step back into that time
How is a huge chunk of my childhood missing
Feeling the effects of the butterfly
My body shakes as I try to fly
Fly through the bank of my memory
I know there is more to this mystery
I don't want to go back to that place and time
But so much is riding on what's locked inside
Its been buried so deep
Its been locked away
But its something inside me that cannot stay
There's a hurt
A release that I desperately need
And I know I didn't go through it just for me
Its all just a part of my testimony
When I remember and release it
How many will be set free?

Some people experience things in life that scar them so deeply the only thing they can do to remain sane is convince themselves to forget. Talk themselves out of things make things disappear. Ever wonder what really goes on in the head of someone who hides behind the mask of a smile? This life I've lived is a distant memory. There's bits and pieces of a past that belongs to me with huge gaps in between. The rest is vague. The lack of connection between the mind and emotion is very strange. It produces a type of nonchalant attitude people long for, yet if they knew the cost such a demeanor requires, I'd doubt they would ask for what I've got.

What they should ask for, is what has sustained me. The thing that has kept me going all these years. The force that has been with me keeping me out of an institution. I've contemplated suicide, I don't think I've ever actually attempted it though. I thought about cutting - but something always held me back. I didn't end up a lesbian, a prostitute, or a drug addicted run away. God has kept me in the midst of all this mess, and I won't claim what psychologists call Post Traumatic Stress because I believe in Jesus Christ and his Holy Spirit which brings all things back to remembrance. Therefore, I will remember what has happened to me - and you'll get to hear about it, in book number 2.


Date with Destiny...

Life has its way of happening, regardless of what you or anyone else has to say about it. I found myself trying to run from certain aspects of my life; I can mainly attribute it to fear which stems from a lack of knowledge of self. How is it that I spent the last few years of my life trying to deny the very thing I've been designed to do? I tried to walk away from the very thing that tugs at my soul with hopes of living a satisfied life - stupidity at its best. Yet so many people do it. So many people will chase after what's safe. Stepping into uncertainty would make anyone nervous, hell I ran from it myself.

Yet, here I stand at a crossroad. A serious decision must be made which will determine the rest of my life. I could play it safe, or I could dare to dream again. I could find a 9-5 job I could tolerate and have a mediocre existence that most can stomach, torturing the inner me which shutters at the thought of being subjected to such an existence...


We have the option my heart and soul desperately reach out towards. The choice to take a leap of faith, trusting in what I can not see. There is so much locked up inside me that I have yet to tap into.

I choose the latter. I have always felt within me, there's more to me than working a "regular" job. I'm too irregular to fit into such a lifestyle. That being said, now that I have tired my self out, and run out of excuses, I'm ready for my date. I'm ready for my date with my destiny. I know Destiny's been waiting on me, I'll hide from her no more.

This is one date I refuse to miss. I couldn't stand it up if I tried - I've already tried it and well here I am taking another step towards the inevitable. Destiny awaits...


And The Walls Come Crashing Down...


It happens to be the one thing we are supposed to posses, if we have nothing else. We were created in the image and likeness of God, and God's very nature is love. So we are to be love. Jesus himself said the first commandment is to love the Lord, God, with all our heart all our mind and all our soul AND to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. Here in lies the dilemma most of us have - we do not love ourselves.

Many times I sit back and I think about this whole loving idea of loving yourself, and I wonder why its so easy for some and harder for others. Where did it all go wrong? What happened in my childhood that got me all twisted in my perception of what love is supposed to be? Why is it that even with the perfect example of what love is, why does it not take root in my mind that it is also for me?

Maybe its because in my short 23 years of life (well in a few more days it will be anyway) I have managed to build up walls and detach myself from feeling certain things. Many around me do not understand and they say, "wow you are so chill, I wish I could be more like you." Funny how the grass always seems to be greener on the other side. If they really understood that this nonchalantness (is that even a word?) that I possess is only from years of pain. When you expect people to love you the way you WANT them to love you and you experience broken promise after broken promise, piled on top of rape and molestation, there is a sort of emotional numbness that takes over - at least that's how it was for me.

At a certain point I was so through with trying to deal with this thing, I just pushed it to the back of my mind. There were more important things to concern myself with, I had no time for irrelevant things like how I felt. All the while searching for love. It is a part of my genetic make-up. I am a child of God who IS love and I'm supposed to look just like him, so when the world was busy stripping me and beating me to the point where I had lost my identity, the walls went up and the mask went on.

People are so funny. We can smile and go through the motions of life and no one would ever know anything was wrong. All the while be dying on the inside, slowly. Each day another piece whithers away. The crazy thing is even Christians go through this. Why? A lack of complete submission to God. To serve and obey God is a choice. This is why we were created with free will. Many will give their body to God, and even their mind, but when it comes to the heart, we don't want to give that to God. To give him our heart means we have to let him deal with those things that we have blocked off and guarded away in the deep chest of emotional, whatever.

Last night I had to make a choice. I could continue down the path I was going expecting things to change (insanity) OR I could choose to give God my whole heart, not just a piece of it, but the entire thing. I wrestled with it for a moment, but I had to be real with myself. How can you truly love someone but you won't give them your heart. When you are in a relationship bound for marriage, you expect that person to give you their heart and you are supposed to trust them with your heart. We are supposed to be married to God. Would you really marry someone who you couldn't trust with your heart? Can you really say you love someone if you won't ever allow them to get behind those walls?

Last night I asked God to tear down my walls. I will never be able to fulfill the commandments if I'm never able to love. I plan on being married someday, and a marriage is supposed to be a reflection on earth of the spiritual relationship you have with God. How can I love a husband if I can't love the God who created him to begin with? What happens in the natural is simply a manifestation of whats going on in the spiritual realm, so if my spiritual relationship with God is not right, guess what is going to happen to my marriage when it comes? Exactly! To avoid all this, but more importantly to be able to regain my identity and reconcile the most important relationship I will ever have ( the one between myself and the Father) I asked God to bulldoze the walls and give me a new heart so that I can love again.



Fly or Die...

There comes a point in ever [wo]man's life where they have to make a serious decision - fly or die. Spread your winds and soar on the actualization of the dreams you once imagined, OR die slowly every day wondering what would have happened if only you took that chance so many years ago. I cannot and will not be one of the many who have cast their dreams to the weigh side conforming to the system which tells you, "Go to school. Get a degree. Live a 9-5 life. Die wondering- what if." I can't do that. I've wondered what if long enough. Fly on the one chance you have to make your dreams your reality OR die inside, feeling the constrains of a mediocre life with an average job that pays the bills yet thetas all it basically does. Thus placing your life on this never ending cycle of work and bills - vanity.What good does it profit a [wo]man to gain the whole world (all the prestige of degrees and titles) and lose his/her soul (because the flickering flame of creativity and hope has been quenched by a mundane life in the worlds system)?Be in this world, yet do not conform to the ways of this world. The way which tell you to go into large amounts of debt, only to work for someone else; rather than strategically educate yourself in such a way to prepare you to become an entrepreneur. The one that tells you your dreams can wait because duty calls. Your dreams ARE your duty. You owe it to yourself to pursue that thing - whatever yours may be - until the end.

It is fear of failure that hinders many from ever becoming acquainted with success. I'm writing my good friend fear a goodbye letter. We must now go our separate ways; its been a long time coming, but change has come. Fly or Die...

**side note - I am not anti-higher education (I plan on getting a M.A./Ph.D.) I am simply stating that many times people live their life in pursuit of other individuals dreams and put themselves on the back burner for whatever the case may be. I've seen it, heard it, almost lived it. Do all things with prayer and supplication before the Lord, but be true to yourself. God requires honesty of us. Get honest.