theraputic release of thought....

I sat and stared at a window. I sat there for 3 hours and stared blankly... I watched a tree blow in the wind... I am NOT crazy. I am not losing it. I will not ALLOW myself to. I've made it this far without a straight jacket and padded walls... or have I?? Inside I scream and cry and pull my hair out, all while sitting in front of you with a pretty smile.

My mind is racing... Thoughts are racing... yet I could not tell you what a single one was. This wrestle with my mind is sad to watch. Yet I watch, waiting to see the breaking point. Waiting for the straw that breaks the camels back -- the string keeping the insanity locked in a black box to break. Stop thinking... Stop thinking... stop... thinking...

Thinking... the mind is a powerful thing. The mind can play tricks on you. Convince you things didn't happen that did, or vice verse. Erase memories completely... or at least convince you they are gone. Like the pink elephant dancing in the living room. Here I am...


Away from there...

Away from myself...


are you sure you want to see behind the mask???


Post Traumatic Stress

This is an excerpt from the book I'm currently piecing together - my first book ever...

I'm fighting myself to remember
A pain that hurts so deep
My mind doest want to go there
I fight it even in my sleep
A battle between my will and my mind
To take a step back into that time
How is a huge chunk of my childhood missing
Feeling the effects of the butterfly
My body shakes as I try to fly
Fly through the bank of my memory
I know there is more to this mystery
I don't want to go back to that place and time
But so much is riding on what's locked inside
Its been buried so deep
Its been locked away
But its something inside me that cannot stay
There's a hurt
A release that I desperately need
And I know I didn't go through it just for me
Its all just a part of my testimony
When I remember and release it
How many will be set free?

Some people experience things in life that scar them so deeply the only thing they can do to remain sane is convince themselves to forget. Talk themselves out of things make things disappear. Ever wonder what really goes on in the head of someone who hides behind the mask of a smile? This life I've lived is a distant memory. There's bits and pieces of a past that belongs to me with huge gaps in between. The rest is vague. The lack of connection between the mind and emotion is very strange. It produces a type of nonchalant attitude people long for, yet if they knew the cost such a demeanor requires, I'd doubt they would ask for what I've got.

What they should ask for, is what has sustained me. The thing that has kept me going all these years. The force that has been with me keeping me out of an institution. I've contemplated suicide, I don't think I've ever actually attempted it though. I thought about cutting - but something always held me back. I didn't end up a lesbian, a prostitute, or a drug addicted run away. God has kept me in the midst of all this mess, and I won't claim what psychologists call Post Traumatic Stress because I believe in Jesus Christ and his Holy Spirit which brings all things back to remembrance. Therefore, I will remember what has happened to me - and you'll get to hear about it, in book number 2.