This life is a journey
A journey back to who I am
It seems as though I knew when I was a child
But somewhere along the way I lost myself
And from about age 9 until now
I've been trying to see if I could meet myself
Reacquaint myself with me
And when I find myself I can answer
All my questions about me
But I was walking down all the wrong paths
Searching for myself
When I really never went anywhere
This game of hide and seek seemed endless
But I know where I am now
And I'm on a journey to meet myself
You see the me I've been searching for went and stood by her big brother Jesus
And they've been calling me
Trying to get my attention
Attempting to bring me back
So the closer I get to Jesus
The close I get to myself
I'm on a life long journey
To myself...


In need of serious guidance...

So I'm having a conversation with a friend of mine and she says "Estee you have many talents" and that really hit my spirit. It made me think of the parable of the Master who distributed different talents to his different servants. *Luke 19v11-26* Now God wouldn't give me more than I could be responsible for, but he's chosen to give me these talents. I'm supposed to utilize them and have Him get His return (i.e. all the honor and the glory and the praise). If that's what I know is supposed to happen then why do I keep these talents to myself?
At this point I don't even know what the heck to do with them all. I feel a bit lost. Kinda like I'm just here at this point. The perfect song to describe how I feel at this stage in my process would be by India.Aire "River Rise" from her Testimony Vol 2 album -if you don't have it you should get it. I definitely need the Spirit to guide my way because I am pretty much at my wits end.

River rise and carry me back home
I cannot remember the way
River rise and carry me back home
I surrender today
I bow down and I humble myself
I can't do this
Lord I need your help
I surrender
Help me to remember
Only you can show me the way



Life is interesting. God can be funny sometimes. Its always the things that you don't want to do, for whatever reason, that you need to do. Most times its not even about you - like 99.9% of the time its not about you. Yet we try and have our own selfish reasons for not doing things. I've realized just how selfish I am in God's eyes. I have gifts and knowledge that he has given to me, yet I sit on them - I don't let people know they exist. Why?- my fear or men in their faces. My personal issues I have with myself. Within all of that I may be blocking someone else's breakthrough because I'm so caught up on me and how I feel -- SELFISH! How can I be called to intercession and standing in the gap yet be so caught up in myself? Funny how the enemy gets you that way. But I must say, I'm proud of myself. I can appreciate the growth that is happening in me, even though my flesh is still resisting. These past 2 weeks have shown me a whole lot. I had an issue with a sister of mine which was quite similar to one I had with my old roommates. The seed of division and discord had been planted and I felt it beginning to grow. This time, however, I recognized it for what it was and I confronted the situation before it grew into something it didn't need to be. The previous issue was the preparation and this was the test. Immediately after that passed I had to do something I normally would not be caught doing - speaking in front of the church as the MC of the afternoon service!
That Friday I went to Friday Night Live in Carson at City of Truth Ministries to support my brother as he ministered through dance. I wasn't expecting to do anything but enjoy the service - God had another plan. When I walked in I was asked to do a poem, I did 2. I figured that would be enough and returned to my seat. God said different and I was asked to return to the mic once again. I was a little upset because I knew what that meant - the poems I didn't want to read were the very ones I had to read. Most of my poetry is a personal reflection of me. Those poems I didn't want anyone to read. God had me read it to those people. Apparently they were feeling the same why as me and what I had to say was exactly what they needed. ----BURN (this goes back to the things we go through not even being about us)
The following Sunday the Lord wanted to push me yet again so much to my suprise when I get out of my car - I'm asked to help lead morning devotion. CRAZY!! Now singing is something that I love to do - when I'm ALONE or if I'm singing with a larger group where my voice can blend in and be drowned out by others. As if the singing wasn't enough, later that night I go to a session with the Fam and you can only imagine what happens next. Yes- I got off. I couldn't really believe it was happening. I AM NOT A KRUMPER!!! Well, I guess I can't really say that anymore - but, I really tried to sit in the corner and avoid dancing - I didn't even lab up! That just goes to show me what God is doing with me. I can see that transformation taking place this year that I knew was soon to come. Its an interesting process, but I am supposed to be a new creature in Christ right? My old lifestyle and old characteristic and ways are supposed to pass away - therefore I embrace the change. Have your way Lord.

Just In Case You're Reading (u know who u are)...

It's interesting that you would call me a bully
It shows me that I am simply once again misunderstood
The way you perceive the things that you see in me
May be far from my original intent
Yet intentions get you nowhere in life if they are not met
So where do we go from here
How can I make myself more clear
I fear this here is a result of everything left unsaid
So I am left to believe
The thing you perceive to be me
Is not really me
But the me you would like me to be
Yet I can't be she
For she is a female unlike me

Or maybe its my perception that is off
and the intentions I have are somewhere lost
Lost in the space between action and thought
And the reality is the only one misunderstanding me
Is me
Because so far it has been about the way I see
What you see
But like they say in philosophy
We each have our own reality
So which one is the actuality?
Or shall we just agree to disagree?