The Idea of Love

Love.

The word gets tossed around so frequently, I've come to realize many people don't even really know what it means. The word has lost its value. Many people can say it to me and it holds no weight. I don't want that "love" that constantly changes. I don't want that "love" that's so quick to walk away. As I take a step back and I evaluate the world in which we live, this lack of ability to truly comprehend true love does not surprise me at all.

Love is no longer something that is taken seriously. Love used to be something worth fighting for, better yet, worth dying for. Now its just another word to say to satisfy fleshly urges. Its a means to an end - you see what you want, and say what you think needs to be said to get it. Why is this so?

How can people take love seriously, when they don't take God seriously. The very nature of God is love, yet God gets treated like any average Joe off the street corner. People have a hard time receiving God, therefore I couldn't imagine the state in which I see "love" being any other way. People happen to be in love with the idea of being in love, rather than actually being in love. We are too scared to know God, so we run from love - we have commitment issues.

Love simply is. It's unconditional. It's forgiving. It's all you need.
God simply is. He's unconditional. He's forgiving. He's all you need.

God is Love.

So while, in theory, we know how to dress it up, love is an action word. Love causes you to DO things. For God so loved the world that He GAVE his only begotten son. Christ loved us so much HE DIED and ROSE for us with all power in his hand, and GAVE us that same resurrection power. God said IF you Love Him THEN you'll keep his commandments. That statement suggests that the love you have causes you to act upon it.

The state of love as we see it is merely a reflection of mans relationship with God - and it's quite sad.

Love does not seek to satisfy self
So I should be willing to lay down my insecurities
Willing to confess what you already know
Ready to end the show
Willing to be naked in the rawness of truth
Willing to share all of me with all of you
(excerpt from my poem "in love with love)

Until we come to know God for who He is, and truly fall in love with Him, we'll never know the true nature of love. We'll just have a bunch of artificial flavoring. I don't know about you, but I prefer that organic, 100% natural stuff - maybe that's just me...

He Reigns Forever and Ever

Ok, now I'm prepared for the backlash that may come from this posting BUT I just can't take it anymore. Call me cold, but I just can't comprehend this Michael Jackson craze. I mean yes he was a musical genius; yes he did alot for the community on a global scale; yes he changed the game time and time again; HOWEVER, everybody dies - tomorrow is not promised to anyone. I understand how those who actually knew him personally have something to mourn about, but everyone else?!?!? People my age or younger, who have never come anywhere near MJ a day in their lives are falling out crying like they lost a close friend or a relative. This is just ridiculous. You did not know him personally and he didn't know you - they all remind me of professional wailers you read about in the bible who would fall out and cry (think about the story of the girl Jesus raised from the dead). I just don't get how people could be so thrown for a loop emotionally by this thing.

GET A HOLD OF YOURSELVES!!

Seriously, we can fall out and faint for this man, who granted has done many good things, but can't give God the praise that is due to him? Jesus died AND GOT BACK UP AGAIN, yet its offensive to speak his name in public. In some parts of the world you can be killed for mentioning Christ. Don't get me wrong, I loved MJ too; however, this IDOL WORSHIP, I can't condone it and it vexes me. You go to churches and people have to pump and prime the "believers" to give the Lord praise, yet all Michael has to do is walk into a room and people are on the floor. I remember some concert I was watching on tv where all he did was a neck roll and the whole front row screamed and fell out - FOR WHAT? Ambulances had to be called in, just a mess. I just find the whole thing peculiar.

Don't get me wrong now MJ was cool, but there is a King - the King of kings - who should be getting this much attention, if not more. Why don't we get it yet? This idolatry has to stop! We ALL need to REPENT and turn from our wicked ways of putting idols up and worshiping them rather than the one who gave EVERYTHING for us. Some of you may be saying, "I don't have an idol; I'm not an idolater." Let me give you the Webster's definition of an idol : n 1 a image of a Deity, used as an object of worship. 2 a person or thing adored or revered. 3 a phantom, a false idea. Anything in your life that gets more attention than God you have placed more on a level higher than the Lord and this cannot be as he said to worship him and him ALONE.

Man, I just pray that we can all get it right. Thank God for his grace given to us through the true King who shall reign long after the whole MJ frenzy dies down.

Why don't you get that excited for someone who died for your sins, rather than someone who gave you entertainment?!

Journey

This life is a journey
A journey back to who I am
It seems as though I knew when I was a child
But somewhere along the way I lost myself
And from about age 9 until now
I've been trying to see if I could meet myself
Reacquaint myself with me
And when I find myself I can answer
All my questions about me
But I was walking down all the wrong paths
Searching for myself
When I really never went anywhere
This game of hide and seek seemed endless
But I know where I am now
And I'm on a journey to meet myself
You see the me I've been searching for went and stood by her big brother Jesus
And they've been calling me
Trying to get my attention
Attempting to bring me back
So the closer I get to Jesus
The close I get to myself
I'm on a life long journey
To myself...

In need of serious guidance...

So I'm having a conversation with a friend of mine and she says "Estee you have many talents" and that really hit my spirit. It made me think of the parable of the Master who distributed different talents to his different servants. *Luke 19v11-26* Now God wouldn't give me more than I could be responsible for, but he's chosen to give me these talents. I'm supposed to utilize them and have Him get His return (i.e. all the honor and the glory and the praise). If that's what I know is supposed to happen then why do I keep these talents to myself?
At this point I don't even know what the heck to do with them all. I feel a bit lost. Kinda like I'm just here at this point. The perfect song to describe how I feel at this stage in my process would be by India.Aire "River Rise" from her Testimony Vol 2 album -if you don't have it you should get it. I definitely need the Spirit to guide my way because I am pretty much at my wits end.

River rise and carry me back home
I cannot remember the way
River rise and carry me back home
I surrender today
I bow down and I humble myself
I can't do this
Lord I need your help
I surrender
Help me to remember
Only you can show me the way

Growth

Life is interesting. God can be funny sometimes. Its always the things that you don't want to do, for whatever reason, that you need to do. Most times its not even about you - like 99.9% of the time its not about you. Yet we try and have our own selfish reasons for not doing things. I've realized just how selfish I am in God's eyes. I have gifts and knowledge that he has given to me, yet I sit on them - I don't let people know they exist. Why?- my fear or men in their faces. My personal issues I have with myself. Within all of that I may be blocking someone else's breakthrough because I'm so caught up on me and how I feel -- SELFISH! How can I be called to intercession and standing in the gap yet be so caught up in myself? Funny how the enemy gets you that way. But I must say, I'm proud of myself. I can appreciate the growth that is happening in me, even though my flesh is still resisting. These past 2 weeks have shown me a whole lot. I had an issue with a sister of mine which was quite similar to one I had with my old roommates. The seed of division and discord had been planted and I felt it beginning to grow. This time, however, I recognized it for what it was and I confronted the situation before it grew into something it didn't need to be. The previous issue was the preparation and this was the test. Immediately after that passed I had to do something I normally would not be caught doing - speaking in front of the church as the MC of the afternoon service!
That Friday I went to Friday Night Live in Carson at City of Truth Ministries to support my brother as he ministered through dance. I wasn't expecting to do anything but enjoy the service - God had another plan. When I walked in I was asked to do a poem, I did 2. I figured that would be enough and returned to my seat. God said different and I was asked to return to the mic once again. I was a little upset because I knew what that meant - the poems I didn't want to read were the very ones I had to read. Most of my poetry is a personal reflection of me. Those poems I didn't want anyone to read. God had me read it to those people. Apparently they were feeling the same why as me and what I had to say was exactly what they needed. ----BURN (this goes back to the things we go through not even being about us)
The following Sunday the Lord wanted to push me yet again so much to my suprise when I get out of my car - I'm asked to help lead morning devotion. CRAZY!! Now singing is something that I love to do - when I'm ALONE or if I'm singing with a larger group where my voice can blend in and be drowned out by others. As if the singing wasn't enough, later that night I go to a session with the Fam and you can only imagine what happens next. Yes- I got off. I couldn't really believe it was happening. I AM NOT A KRUMPER!!! Well, I guess I can't really say that anymore - but, I really tried to sit in the corner and avoid dancing - I didn't even lab up! That just goes to show me what God is doing with me. I can see that transformation taking place this year that I knew was soon to come. Its an interesting process, but I am supposed to be a new creature in Christ right? My old lifestyle and old characteristic and ways are supposed to pass away - therefore I embrace the change. Have your way Lord.

Just In Case You're Reading (u know who u are)...

It's interesting that you would call me a bully
It shows me that I am simply once again misunderstood
The way you perceive the things that you see in me
May be far from my original intent
Yet intentions get you nowhere in life if they are not met
So where do we go from here
How can I make myself more clear
I fear this here is a result of everything left unsaid
So I am left to believe
The thing you perceive to be me
Is not really me
But the me you would like me to be
Yet I can't be she
For she is a female unlike me

Or maybe its my perception that is off
and the intentions I have are somewhere lost
Lost in the space between action and thought
And the reality is the only one misunderstanding me
Is me
Because so far it has been about the way I see
What you see
But like they say in philosophy
We each have our own reality
So which one is the actuality?
Or shall we just agree to disagree?

Checkin In

Its been a while since I've posted anything here. Mostly because I haven't been on the internet, but that's because I have been doing what I do best - internalizing my stress. Just when I think I'm beginning to have a grasp at who I am - NOPE! I'm still not really sure... I don't know what I feel... Its pretty funny how God works, though. One Sunday at church He told me to write it all out - at the time I had no motivation to write. I tried to write and it never really came out the way I had hoped it would, but lately its as if I'm writing my insides on paper. Things I didn't even know were in me keep flowing from my pen to my little notebook. The words keep coming. Tears keep falling, most times I don't even know what for. But they flow. In the midst of it all I still have my joy - even when I want to be mad there is still a smile on my face. Its interesting to me.

This place I'm in, its strange...

Its different...

Its uncomfortable...

Yet I can't help but believe something good is going to come from all of this. God keeps telling me to keep pushing. I never listened to any Avril Lavigne song the way I heard "Keep Holdin On." That song did something for my spirit. So I guess I have to fight on - No matter what I see, hear, think, or feel.

I'll share some of me with the next few postings - some of the works may be unfinished idk what I'm going to post just yet. We'll see...