Alabaster Box

The rain pours out the tears I don't have left to cry
As I remember the wicked sinful woman I used to be
The lies I've told
The lives I have scorned
The murder I committed with my evil tongue
All while claiming to be a Christan
The hypocritical way of life that suffocated my spirit
Silently dying while offering my service to the Lord
But there comes a time in every believers walk where they must mature

Silver and Gold have I none, But such as I have I give unto thee
I'm sitting here Jesus weeping at your feet
Thanking you for your love for me.
I open up my alabaster jar and pour out my life
I pour out my will and offer it to thee
I wipe your feet with the glory any word I've ever written has given me


You've anointed the very words that I speak and
The word is the most precious gift given to me
So I pour out every word that's in me
To wash your feet of every lie I told
Every perverted thought that crossed my mind
You became my filthy sin so that I may have abundant life

I know other's won't understand why I have not sold my jar
Why I would rather pour out my being at your feet
That gain any amount of money
I realize they will not comprehend the gratitude in this action
Yet this surrender does not compare to the price you paid for me


This here is my alabaster box poured out at your feet
These words are my tears
Their applause is the glory
I give it all unto you

Love in action...

When God created the earth and everything in it there was only one thing he said was not good: the fact that man was alone. So he in turn created woman - the help meet, the easer - to help man do that which God has called him to do. Looking at the roll of a woman and the roll as a believer period- the biggest ingredient is love. Love is the driving force that pushes everything I believe in. The very nature of God is love therefore if love is the main ingredient, God is the main ingredient. It was God's love for man which caused him to create woman for him. It was God's love for mankind which caused him to send his only son to die for our wicked ways, and he commands us to love one another.

Ok, but what exactly is love? What does it look like? We all have so many different ideas of what love is or should be like that when it is in our face we can't see it. Love is not a feeling. It's an action. Its something that you do. This is love according to the amplified version of 1 Corinthians 13:

4Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. 5It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. 6It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. 7Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. 8Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].

I was having a conversation with a friend about what love was and she said something that sounded so profound. She said love is an act of faith. When you think about it... I guess she's right. Jesus had enough faith to die for a wicked group of sinners like us, because he knew [had the faith] to understand that his act of love would in turn cause his people to love him in return. He believed that his work would not be in vain and the ones he loved would receive him and love him. To love a husband, or love a wife is an act of faith. You have faith that they are going to remain faithful to the commitment made between you, them, and God, before a congregation of witnesses.

Christ is the bridegroom and we, the church. are the bride. If marriage isn't even about us, yet is a ministry all by itself. Whatever marriage I enter into is going to reflect my relationship and my walk. The truth is the church dogged Christ out and he did have to endure some pretty hurtful things, but he loved them in spite of. He still claimed them in spite of. He still laid down his life in spite of. He had the faith to see that they would eventually turn around. He knew these people he was dying for would eventually get this love thing right.

Love is not so much about a feeling. Love is a verb - its an action word. Love causes you to do things, without expectation of receiving something in return. Christ loved and received great persecutions. I'm really trying to learn this love thing. I want to do it the right way. I want to love for real - the way God does...

Post Traumatic Stress

This is an excerpt from the book I'm currently piecing together - my first book ever...


I'm fighting myself to remember
A pain that hurts so deep
My mind doest want to go there
I fight it even in my sleep
A battle between my will and my mind
To take a step back into that time
How is a huge chunk of my childhood missing
Feeling the effects of the butterfly
My body shakes as I try to fly
Fly through the bank of my memory
I know there is more to this mystery
I don't want to go back to that place and time
But so much is riding on what's locked inside
Its been buried so deep
Its been locked away
But its something inside me that cannot stay
There's a hurt
A release that I desperately need
And I know I didn't go through it just for me
Its all just a part of my testimony
When I remember and release it
How many will be set free?

Some people experience things in life that scar them so deeply the only thing they can do to remain sane is convince themselves to forget. Talk themselves out of things make things disappear. Ever wonder what really goes on in the head of someone who hides behind the mask of a smile? This life I've lived is a distant memory. There's bits and pieces of a past that belongs to me with huge gaps in between. The rest is vague. The lack of connection between the mind and emotion is very strange. It produces a type of nonchalant attitude people long for, yet if they knew the cost such a demeanor requires, I'd doubt they would ask for what I've got.

What they should ask for, is what has sustained me. The thing that has kept me going all these years. The force that has been with me keeping me out of an institution. I've contemplated suicide, I don't think I've ever actually attempted it though. I thought about cutting - but something always held me back. I didn't end up a lesbian, a prostitute, or a drug addicted run away. God has kept me in the midst of all this mess, and I won't claim what psychologists call Post Traumatic Stress because I believe in Jesus Christ and his Holy Spirit which brings all things back to remembrance. Therefore, I will remember what has happened to me - and you'll get to hear about it, in book number 2.

He Reigns Forever and Ever

Ok, now I'm prepared for the backlash that may come from this posting BUT I just can't take it anymore. Call me cold, but I just can't comprehend this Michael Jackson craze. I mean yes he was a musical genius; yes he did alot for the community on a global scale; yes he changed the game time and time again; HOWEVER, everybody dies - tomorrow is not promised to anyone. I understand how those who actually knew him personally have something to mourn about, but everyone else?!?!? People my age or younger, who have never come anywhere near MJ a day in their lives are falling out crying like they lost a close friend or a relative. This is just ridiculous. You did not know him personally and he didn't know you - they all remind me of professional wailers you read about in the bible who would fall out and cry (think about the story of the girl Jesus raised from the dead). I just don't get how people could be so thrown for a loop emotionally by this thing.

GET A HOLD OF YOURSELVES!!

Seriously, we can fall out and faint for this man, who granted has done many good things, but can't give God the praise that is due to him? Jesus died AND GOT BACK UP AGAIN, yet its offensive to speak his name in public. In some parts of the world you can be killed for mentioning Christ. Don't get me wrong, I loved MJ too; however, this IDOL WORSHIP, I can't condone it and it vexes me. You go to churches and people have to pump and prime the "believers" to give the Lord praise, yet all Michael has to do is walk into a room and people are on the floor. I remember some concert I was watching on tv where all he did was a neck roll and the whole front row screamed and fell out - FOR WHAT? Ambulances had to be called in, just a mess. I just find the whole thing peculiar.

Don't get me wrong now MJ was cool, but there is a King - the King of kings - who should be getting this much attention, if not more. Why don't we get it yet? This idolatry has to stop! We ALL need to REPENT and turn from our wicked ways of putting idols up and worshiping them rather than the one who gave EVERYTHING for us. Some of you may be saying, "I don't have an idol; I'm not an idolater." Let me give you the Webster's definition of an idol : n 1 a image of a Deity, used as an object of worship. 2 a person or thing adored or revered. 3 a phantom, a false idea. Anything in your life that gets more attention than God you have placed more on a level higher than the Lord and this cannot be as he said to worship him and him ALONE.

Man, I just pray that we can all get it right. Thank God for his grace given to us through the true King who shall reign long after the whole MJ frenzy dies down.

Why don't you get that excited for someone who died for your sins, rather than someone who gave you entertainment?!