Journey

This life is a journey
A journey back to who I am
It seems as though I knew when I was a child
But somewhere along the way I lost myself
And from about age 9 until now
I've been trying to see if I could meet myself
Reacquaint myself with me
And when I find myself I can answer
All my questions about me
But I was walking down all the wrong paths
Searching for myself
When I really never went anywhere
This game of hide and seek seemed endless
But I know where I am now
And I'm on a journey to meet myself
You see the me I've been searching for went and stood by her big brother Jesus
And they've been calling me
Trying to get my attention
Attempting to bring me back
So the closer I get to Jesus
The close I get to myself
I'm on a life long journey
To myself...

In need of serious guidance...

So I'm having a conversation with a friend of mine and she says "Estee you have many talents" and that really hit my spirit. It made me think of the parable of the Master who distributed different talents to his different servants. *Luke 19v11-26* Now God wouldn't give me more than I could be responsible for, but he's chosen to give me these talents. I'm supposed to utilize them and have Him get His return (i.e. all the honor and the glory and the praise). If that's what I know is supposed to happen then why do I keep these talents to myself?
At this point I don't even know what the heck to do with them all. I feel a bit lost. Kinda like I'm just here at this point. The perfect song to describe how I feel at this stage in my process would be by India.Aire "River Rise" from her Testimony Vol 2 album -if you don't have it you should get it. I definitely need the Spirit to guide my way because I am pretty much at my wits end.

River rise and carry me back home
I cannot remember the way
River rise and carry me back home
I surrender today
I bow down and I humble myself
I can't do this
Lord I need your help
I surrender
Help me to remember
Only you can show me the way

Growth

Life is interesting. God can be funny sometimes. Its always the things that you don't want to do, for whatever reason, that you need to do. Most times its not even about you - like 99.9% of the time its not about you. Yet we try and have our own selfish reasons for not doing things. I've realized just how selfish I am in God's eyes. I have gifts and knowledge that he has given to me, yet I sit on them - I don't let people know they exist. Why?- my fear or men in their faces. My personal issues I have with myself. Within all of that I may be blocking someone else's breakthrough because I'm so caught up on me and how I feel -- SELFISH! How can I be called to intercession and standing in the gap yet be so caught up in myself? Funny how the enemy gets you that way. But I must say, I'm proud of myself. I can appreciate the growth that is happening in me, even though my flesh is still resisting. These past 2 weeks have shown me a whole lot. I had an issue with a sister of mine which was quite similar to one I had with my old roommates. The seed of division and discord had been planted and I felt it beginning to grow. This time, however, I recognized it for what it was and I confronted the situation before it grew into something it didn't need to be. The previous issue was the preparation and this was the test. Immediately after that passed I had to do something I normally would not be caught doing - speaking in front of the church as the MC of the afternoon service!
That Friday I went to Friday Night Live in Carson at City of Truth Ministries to support my brother as he ministered through dance. I wasn't expecting to do anything but enjoy the service - God had another plan. When I walked in I was asked to do a poem, I did 2. I figured that would be enough and returned to my seat. God said different and I was asked to return to the mic once again. I was a little upset because I knew what that meant - the poems I didn't want to read were the very ones I had to read. Most of my poetry is a personal reflection of me. Those poems I didn't want anyone to read. God had me read it to those people. Apparently they were feeling the same why as me and what I had to say was exactly what they needed. ----BURN (this goes back to the things we go through not even being about us)
The following Sunday the Lord wanted to push me yet again so much to my suprise when I get out of my car - I'm asked to help lead morning devotion. CRAZY!! Now singing is something that I love to do - when I'm ALONE or if I'm singing with a larger group where my voice can blend in and be drowned out by others. As if the singing wasn't enough, later that night I go to a session with the Fam and you can only imagine what happens next. Yes- I got off. I couldn't really believe it was happening. I AM NOT A KRUMPER!!! Well, I guess I can't really say that anymore - but, I really tried to sit in the corner and avoid dancing - I didn't even lab up! That just goes to show me what God is doing with me. I can see that transformation taking place this year that I knew was soon to come. Its an interesting process, but I am supposed to be a new creature in Christ right? My old lifestyle and old characteristic and ways are supposed to pass away - therefore I embrace the change. Have your way Lord.

Just In Case You're Reading (u know who u are)...

It's interesting that you would call me a bully
It shows me that I am simply once again misunderstood
The way you perceive the things that you see in me
May be far from my original intent
Yet intentions get you nowhere in life if they are not met
So where do we go from here
How can I make myself more clear
I fear this here is a result of everything left unsaid
So I am left to believe
The thing you perceive to be me
Is not really me
But the me you would like me to be
Yet I can't be she
For she is a female unlike me

Or maybe its my perception that is off
and the intentions I have are somewhere lost
Lost in the space between action and thought
And the reality is the only one misunderstanding me
Is me
Because so far it has been about the way I see
What you see
But like they say in philosophy
We each have our own reality
So which one is the actuality?
Or shall we just agree to disagree?

Checkin In

Its been a while since I've posted anything here. Mostly because I haven't been on the internet, but that's because I have been doing what I do best - internalizing my stress. Just when I think I'm beginning to have a grasp at who I am - NOPE! I'm still not really sure... I don't know what I feel... Its pretty funny how God works, though. One Sunday at church He told me to write it all out - at the time I had no motivation to write. I tried to write and it never really came out the way I had hoped it would, but lately its as if I'm writing my insides on paper. Things I didn't even know were in me keep flowing from my pen to my little notebook. The words keep coming. Tears keep falling, most times I don't even know what for. But they flow. In the midst of it all I still have my joy - even when I want to be mad there is still a smile on my face. Its interesting to me.

This place I'm in, its strange...

Its different...

Its uncomfortable...

Yet I can't help but believe something good is going to come from all of this. God keeps telling me to keep pushing. I never listened to any Avril Lavigne song the way I heard "Keep Holdin On." That song did something for my spirit. So I guess I have to fight on - No matter what I see, hear, think, or feel.

I'll share some of me with the next few postings - some of the works may be unfinished idk what I'm going to post just yet. We'll see...

New Year Thoughts

2008
The year of new beginning
The only thing that seemed to begin
was a new level of self doubt and frustration
new hurts
unexpected pains
and at the end of the year there was a new change
a push
a shift
to take me out of what seemed so comfortable
a new way of thinking
a new way of living
like a caterpillar ready to go to the cocoon
The transition
living life knowing
I'm meant to turn into something beautiful
Spending my days
Waiting for the change
A safe location needs to be found to allow the transformation to take place
So toward the end of the year of new beginnings
I've been lead to a new place
A new way of seeing
A new level of worship
A new place to call home
Now I enter 2009
The year of Divine completeness in the Lord
The year to produce fruits
The year to begin building the cocoon
the time has come for a transformation
My life has been a build up
In anticipation of becoming a butterfly
Time to begin the process
For without the process beginning
I'll never know the true vision of the beauty God intended me to be
What will I look like?
What intricate design will be on my wings?
When the process is finished
We will all see...

Peace... Be Still

So I have a friend who I love who wrote a song called Peace Be Still. While I've never done a praise dance before I had to do one over the weekend at the Slaughter House / Tribe of Judah retreat. Part of the performance included some poetry inspired by the song. It was a combination of 3 poems one written by myself one written by BJ and one by Audry. We each wrote our poems separately as we listened to the song and then somehow they just flowed together for the sake of the performance - I call that the Holy Spirit lol. When it came time to dance - I was pretty nervous because I've never done a praise dance before and we didn't really have time to practice our peice but I think those are the ones that come out the best. When they are just Spirit lead. I didn't think I would be able to dance like that infront of people who are dancers and yet once the song came on my body just started moving. It was pretty cool. Not as scary as I thought it would be. Anyway - here is on 3rd of the poem that we wrote for the performance.


I know that I can do all things through Christ
The Lord never gives me more than I can bear
But this pain
This storm
Is slowly eating me up inside
The winds are blowing
Its growing cold
I know trials come to build faith
And this is supposed to cause me to grow
But how can you grow if you're drowning?
(this is where the poem ends for performance)
A seed drenched in water dies
Lord this rain is killing me
I have no words left
Peace
Be still
The storms in my life have me so cold
Im numb
While all things are supposed to work together
For my good
I can't see through this rain
All I hear is thunder
Nothing makes sense
Peace
Be still